My Not so “Full” Home

My handler on instagram is my.heartfullhome but the truth is I am in a season where I do not feel that my home is as FULL as it should be. Whether this is coming from my ever yearning womb, my past desires, My love for the show 7th Heaven, or God, is still being wrestled out before the Lord in my quite time. But none the less its something I am working through. When I met my Ricky Ray he was 34, had a solid career, lived the single soldier life and no children. I was 25 and I had one son that was 2 years old from my previous marriage and about 52,420 other babies in mind that I would add to my life.

Shortly after falling in love with my soldier we welcomed a beautiful baby girl into the world, our Faith Lee. 2 years later (after much convincing that Faith NEEDED a sister because I had a sister and you simply can’t do life without a sister!)we had our second boy Luke Joshua. He is the opposite of a girl in every way, he is our boys boy, rough and tumble, sports mania guy. The exception is that he is actually Faith’s bestie and he always agrees to wearing his fancy “man tie” to her tea parties, so it all worked out. On our first date away after Luke was born, he was probably 6 months old, we went and saw ‘Heaven is for Real’. No joke during that film I felt my womb leap and the Lord just lay a gentle thought on my shoulder, “you will have another baby.” This gives me goose bumps and streams tears down my face just typing that out. I knew it to be true and held on to it for almost five years. Three kiddos in five years and a really yucky duty station left me weary, so we took a break from bringing little ones into the world using natural methods of family planning.

As the next four years went by we had several conversations of me expressing desire to have another baby. On the opposite end of the spectrum my husband asked several times about making no more babies permanent, with a vasectomy. He even went as far as to schedule the consultation and then the actual procedure appointment three times. I’ll never forget the last time I asked him to cancel it. I was leading a women’s bible study on the military base that day and I had just a few moments before the ladies came in and I could not focus on anything other than emailing my husband pleading with him to not do this. I had just hit send by the time they all came walking in, I felt like I was holding my breath that whole morning, only to receive a loving phone call hours later saying, “Okay, I won’t do it.” By the third time he canceled the procedure he told me “ Even if we WANTED to really do this at this point, those people won’t believe me anymore.” It became a bit of a joke. “Okay sir sure thing, we got you down for it.” Hangs up, deletes appointment, looks over at her boss, “don’t worry, he is going to call and cancel tomorrow anyway.” I’m sure it went something like this.

Luke our youngest was turning four and the older two were 6 & 8 so I thought it would be a good time to start going back to the calling I had for years prior to becoming a mom to three, seminary school. I wrestled through the first semester just barely making it out alive as my burning heart’s desire for a baby was at its fullest. After many many tears and conversations with God and Ricky it was a mutual decision, we needed to let God take control of our family and along came baby # 4, our precious Zachary James. He is about to be 14 months old and sweet as pie. Everyone adores having baby around and life felt full…for awhile.

Here we are a year later and once again the pull, the nudge, the deep heart wrenching desire is rearing its head again. Only this time, my Ricky Ray had the vasectomy worst yet, I drove him to the appointment this time and all hope is lost for me. I’m blessed beyond measure, I am aware some women have 0 babies here on Earth and several in Heaven and I am sensitive and prayerful about those situations and women. I am also respectful of my husbands choices BUT this does not change the fact that I am struggling. Struggling with my heart and reality. I am still enjoying everyday life with my precious kids and baby boy, but there is a deep sorrow knowing my husband and I can, as of right now, never bring another child into this world again. I would love to hear your stories of how you have moved on from the “baby aches”, as I call them. Or how life surprised you and you did have another through natural means or adoption? Or any other comment related to the struggle of not feeling “done” and how that got worked out for you?

XOXO

JoAnna